“Wait, hold on, hold on, I’m gonna say something funny…now listen up. I want a bottle of Sensuous for her, and do you have anything for me called “Leave Me Alone?” …See? I told you it would be funny.” — Mom at the perfume counter (I asked for a new bottle for Christmas)
“I can read the funnies on this!” — Mom on her new iPhone
A couple of days ago we had terrible storms all throughout the southern U.S. It got so bad at home, in fact, that everyone at my mom’s work was made to take cover.
“How long will we be in here?” she asked.
One of her coworkers responded, “Up to forty-five minutes.”
“Uh-uh,” she said, got in her car, and used those forty-five minutes to get home instead.
Now, this may seem like an unwise move on her part, and maybe it was. But as she got closer to the house, the deadly-looking clouds in her rearview mirror got smaller and smaller, and there was nothing but blue skies ahead the whole way.
Her workplace got hit hard, and though no one was hurt (thank the Lord), there was hail damage to nearly everyone’s vehicles. Now I picture her little red car with the sassy, cursive “M” on the front tag, sitting there amidst battered scraps of metal… Perfect and pristine.
I hope to God she doesn’t get mugged.
“It was great. It was a perfect portrayal of my after-life aspirations.” — Mom on The Woman in Black
“Happy Birthday tomorrow. Love ya so much and cannot remember anything at all before 19 years ago tomorrow. Well….except for every wrong thing your father has ever done since I’ve known him…..” — Mom via Facebook
So, “Newt 2012” called for several weeks and I kept missing the call. It did not leave a message. I waited impatiently to speak to this caller. Finally, the stars aligned a few days ago and I caught the phone when they rang.
The first minute or so is Newt’s recorded message. I tried to listen closely as he called me things like a Secular Socialist, whatever the heck that is. I knew that at some point someone would want money so I waited, patiently this time. When the recording finished, a lady came on the line and started speaking. Below are just a few lines of our conversation.
Her: ….country….at risk….Obamacare….bad…..The extreme left-wing is very scared right now about Newt climbing in the polls…
Me: I know I am.
Her: …um…what?
Me: I know I am scared of his climbing in the polls. We were talking about that at our last Secret Secular Socialist meeting.
Her: ..um…what?
Me: Yes, I am one of those Secular Socialists Newt talked about in his opening recording. By the way, I’m sorry you haven’t been able to reach me until now. This year’s War on Christmas has been exhausting.
Her: ..yes…well….
Me: May I ask you a question?
Her: yes.
Me: How does Newt justify spending millions of taxpayer dollars to prosecute Clinton’s affair when he was having one himself at the same time?
Her: That answer is not in my notes.
Me: Oh, ok. You have my number. Please call back when you find out. I would like to know his justification of that taxpayer-funded initiative for Republican-welfare causes.
Her: Well, thank you for talking to me.
Me: Ok, I look forward to your call back with that information. I have a few more questions - would you like them now or then?
Her: then will be fine.
Me: Ok, goodbye.
Her: Goodbye.
Shame on me for thinking they wanted money! She never asked me for money so when she calls back, I will apologize for having that thought. Funny, though, it is taking her a long time to get back with me……..huh. The next question I have in mind to ask her, because I take her at her word that she will call back, is to explain in detail his plan to roll back the child labor laws. She seemed like such a nice lady……….